’m no earth mother, but I did have rather romantic ideas about breastfeeding. I imagined myself lovingly getting my boob out, my baby latching on whilst I gazed at her gaining her nourishment. Nobody told me that the reality isn’t quite like that.
Blimey, breastfeeding is hard. Gracie needs help getting the nipple into her mouth, then, once there, can spend anything from 10 minutes to an hour on the breast. I have to make sure she’s taken enough into her mouth, otherwise it hurts like hell (It’s bad enough that my breasts feel slightly sore all the time now – not in a painful way or anything, but it’s there. Apparently, cabbage works wonders, but I haven’t tried that yet.) And she’ll often take breathers – clearly, feeding from the breast is thirsty work….
Breastfeeding a premature baby has challenges. For a start, when Gracie was born, the sucking reflex wasn’t there, so she was fed through a tube. If you were given the choice between being fed automatically, or having to work for it, what would you do? When I started to feed on demand in the hospital, Gracie was on 65ml every 4 hours. There was no way I could compete with that. Now of course, I find it incredible that she was able to take 4 hours’ worth of milk – her stomach’s still so tiny.
As the mother of a preemie, I felt like I had to breastfeed. In normal circumstances, my views on breastfeeding are neutral. I think it is absolutely a mother’s choice how she feeds her baby, and the most important thing is that the baby is fed. But when your little one is in Special Care, you can’t help but feel slightly useless. The bond that develops while feeding your baby (whether by breast or bottle) isn’t there, so you feel the need to do something. Hence my spending 5 weeks expressing so that Gracie could be fed my milk whilst in the incubator.
In SCBU, everything is measured. So breastfeeding, and not knowing how much the baby is getting is hard. What if she’s not getting enough? I don’t know how much milk Gracie gets from me, but she’s gaining weight (in spite of seemingly throwing up most of it!!), so I guess she’s getting enough.
One thing about spending time in SCBU is that there is lots of help available. When I talk to mothers of term babies, they got nowhere near the advice and support that I did. This makes a huge difference. I honestly think that, if I were left to my own devices, I may well have given up.
What you don’t get advice on, however, is the indignity of leakage. Coming out of the shower is a race against time. And the other day, my right breast just started spouting on its own!! I was just about to feed Gracie, and off it went, in a perfect arc…
And breast pads are rubbish! They never stay in place, and they itch. And why would I want to wear a bra at night? I really hate waking up with wet patches on my pyjamas. I’ve taken to wearing a tankini top – as it’s made mainly of lycra, it dries really quickly. I think if someone can come up with nightwear that allows for leakage, as well as easy nursing, they could make a fortune….
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