Milestones Blog 13

Well, more than 5 months in, and some milestones have been reached over the past few weeks.

Bath:  Gracie now enjoys a bath.  Well, when I say “enjoy”, what I actually mean is that she doesn’t scream the place down any more.  I think I maybe had the water too cold before.  And if she’s already in a bad mood, not even a warm bath will calm her down.  The discovery came when she’d down a spectacularly messy poo one morning, and my husband was unsure where to start in the cleanup operation.  I decided to run a bath, and put her in it, regardless of the screams that were inevitably going to accompany the task.  To my surprise, she accepted the bath without comment, and looked faintly bewildered by it all.  Since then, we’ve had a few more, just to check that it wasn’t a one-off….

The cot:  OK, so she still won’t sleep in her cot, but she will entertain herself in it, which is progress.  I’ve bought some accessories – a light show projector type thing that shows Winnie the Pooh pictures on the ceiling, and a rainforest mobile, which she is fascinated by.  It has bought me time throughout the day, which is great.  It makes soothing rainforest noises, which she seems to like.  There are musical options too, but I’ve ignores those so far.  And, the mobile comes with a remote control!!

She’s much more aware of what’s going on now, and she knows exactly when to turn on the charm with people!  She’ll be all smiles when required, it’s very cute…It’s crazy to think that just 5 months ago, she was in an incubator.

The fact that she was premature means that you can’t use the normal timeline for development.  Obviously she’s not quite at the right stage for her actual age, but she’s slightly ahead of her corrected age.  It’s actually quite nice to not have to worry about it, and just enjoy watching her progress.  She’s becoming more and more independent by the day.

When I’m out and about, and I see people with toddlers, I try and imagine Gracie in a few years’ time.  I try and picture us going to the park, or to the shops, but it seems like such a long way off, even though I know it isn’t.  It seems like she’ll be a baby forever…

Nice to have some postnatal interests... Blog 12 23/2/10

My local cinema does Parent & Baby screenings, so I went along today.  Wow.  It’s so cool to be able to go to the cinema, with baby, and not have to worry about whether she’s going to start crying and disturb people or not.  As it turns out, she was very well behaved, and hardly cried at all.  The house lights are kept on so that you can see what you’re doing should baby need changing or anything, it’s great.
It used to be every fortnight, but they’re thinking of turning it into a weekly event.  It was “The Lovely Bones” today, or “Valentine’s Day”.  I chose “Lovely Bones”.

I’m starting to have a schedule now, doing various activities with Gracie, and I’m loving it.  Now is a good time to start some hobbies I think, and there’s a knitting group near me on a Tuesday afternoon.  Yes, I’ve started knitting, encouraged by mums from my First Parent Group.  We went on an excursion to Romford (!) to buy wool and needles.  I haven’t knitted since I was about 10, I followed instructions on how to cast on, and miraculously remembered how to knit.  I don’t remember how to purl, I’ll teach myself that another day.  I’m going to start by just knitting some squares and see how I get on.  I think my first square is already looking wonky….My plan is to sew some squares together and make a hat.

I’d also like to start baking, but my husband rightly pointed out that, if I have time to bake, I should probably use the time more effectively to do something else.  As it turns out, there are loads of reasons why I can’t do any baking.  For a start, I have no baking tins.  Not one.  Nor do I have the ingredients, although I could of course buy some….

The main obstacle to my starting to bake is the fact that Gracie still needs a lot of attention and needs contact quite a lot of the time still.  I put her in the sling sometimes, but it’s kind of difficult to bend down or cook with it on.  And it’s tricky to sit down.  Even now, as I type, she’s asleep on my chest.  She looks so cute.  I also know that, as she gets older and becomes more independent, she won’t want to do this anymore, so even though it can be inconvenient at times, I’m making the most of these months.

Well, that’s it for now.  Madam needs changing and feeding…..

Back in the journal-writing saddle Blog 11 1/2/10

So, 16 weeks in and still loving motherhood.  Even though there’s so much I didn’t know before I began.  I’ve definitely learned that health professionals don’t know it all, and that books are only a guide and are frequently useless.

It’s been a while since my last journal. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to write, more that I’ve had too much.  Where to start documenting what’s been going on since Gracie’s been home?

Gracie’s corrected age is 6 weeks.  She’s doing well, following objects with her eyes, feeding lots, smiling, and expecting lots of cuddles.  She’s demanding, but very, very cute.

She doesn’t like sleeping in her crib – in fact, she’s not very good at sleeping alone full stop.  The sling that I bought gets used a fair bit round the house – it’s the only way I can get anything done.  It’s a bit tricky when bending down and things, but we manage.

We all know that our lives will change when we have a child, but we can never guess how much.  I never knew I could survive on uninterrupted sleep, and yet, I’m getting more than I thought I would.  I imagined she’d be an angel and fall into a routine immediately, but I was wrong there.  Patterns are emerging though, so a routine will come when she’s ready.

I can’t imagine life without her, it’s like she’s always been here.

We’ve been getting out and about – Baby Communication sessions, Baby Yoga, First Parent Group.  There’s quite a lot out there, but you have to be proactive to find it.  My local pub is baby-friendly during the day, so there’s somewhere I can take friends for lunch when they visit.

Visitors – wow.  My husband and I have had more visitors in the last 3 months than we’ve ever had in the whole 3 years we’ve lived in our current flat.  It’s amazing what babies do to people.  The grandmas would travel anywhere to spend just a few moments with her.  And the presents!!!  The best piece of advice I was given when I was pregnant was “don’t buy anything until you’re absolutely sure you need it”.  This turned out to be fantastic advice, because so much has been bought for us.  We’ve barely bought any clothes for Gracie, and we’re not going to need to for ages.  It’s also good advice because there’s a lot of stuff out there that we really don’t need.

Today is Monday – weigh-in day.  Gracie was 8lb 2oz last week, so hopefully she’s still gaining.  She looks bigger, most definitely.  I find it weird that some babies are born at Gracie’s weight.  I can’t imagine her being inside me at this size!!

Well, this entry is just to get back into the habit.  I’ll be writing again soon.  Now is time to get her in the sling before I need to feed her again…!

The delights of breastfeeding Blog 10 15/12/09

’m no earth mother, but I did have rather romantic ideas about breastfeeding.  I imagined myself lovingly getting my boob out, my baby latching on whilst I gazed at her gaining her nourishment.  Nobody told me that the reality isn’t quite like that.

Blimey, breastfeeding is hard.  Gracie needs help getting the nipple into her mouth, then, once there, can spend anything from 10 minutes to an hour on the breast. I have to make sure she’s taken enough into her mouth, otherwise it hurts like hell (It’s bad enough that my breasts feel slightly sore all the time now – not in a painful way or anything, but it’s there.  Apparently, cabbage works wonders, but I haven’t tried that yet.) And she’ll often take breathers – clearly, feeding from the breast is thirsty work….

Breastfeeding a premature baby has challenges.  For a start, when Gracie was born, the sucking reflex wasn’t there, so she was fed through a tube.  If you were given the choice between being fed automatically, or having to work for it, what would you do?  When I started to feed on demand in the hospital, Gracie was on 65ml every 4 hours.  There was no way I could compete with that.  Now of course, I find it incredible that she was able to take 4 hours’ worth of milk – her stomach’s still so tiny.

As the mother of a preemie, I felt like I had to breastfeed.  In normal circumstances, my views on breastfeeding are neutral.  I think it is absolutely a mother’s choice how she feeds her baby, and the most important thing is that the baby is fed.  But when your little one is in Special Care, you can’t help but feel slightly useless.  The bond that develops while feeding your baby (whether by breast or bottle) isn’t there, so you feel the need to do something.  Hence my spending 5 weeks expressing so that Gracie could be fed my milk whilst in the incubator.

In SCBU, everything is measured.  So breastfeeding, and not knowing how much the baby is getting is hard.  What if she’s not getting enough?  I don’t know how much milk Gracie gets from me, but she’s gaining weight (in spite of seemingly throwing up most of it!!), so I guess she’s getting enough.

One thing about spending time in SCBU is that there is lots of help available.  When I talk to mothers of term babies, they got nowhere near the advice and support that I did.  This makes a huge difference.  I honestly think that, if I were left to my own devices, I may well have given up.

What you don’t get advice on, however, is the indignity of leakage. Coming out of the shower is a race against time.  And the other day, my right breast just started spouting on its own!!  I was just about to feed Gracie, and off it went, in a perfect arc…
And breast pads are rubbish!  They never stay in place, and they itch.  And why would I want to wear a bra at night?  I really hate waking up with wet patches on my pyjamas.  I’ve taken to wearing a tankini top – as it’s made mainly of lycra, it dries really quickly.  I think if someone can come up with nightwear that allows for leakage, as well as easy nursing, they could make a fortune….

She's home! Blog 9 9/12/09

Well! After nearly 6 weeks, Gracie came home from SCBU.  That was just over 2 weeks ago, and I’m really happy.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a journal, but I’m determined to get back into the habit.  My husband’s back at work and I’m left to fend for myself.

But first, a quick update on what’s been happening:
Gracie was progressing well in SCBU, and before I knew it (well, not quite!), the doctors decided that it was time for the feeding tube to come out.  As the tube came out, I breastfed on demand – what an adventure that was!.  Gracie was on 65ml every 4 hours through the tube, then had to switch to me.  Miraculously, she didn’t starve, and although it was tough going, after two nights in SCBU with her, I was allowed to take her home.

That was 2 and a half weeks ago.  Since then, we’ve been settling her in at home.  She refuses to sleep in her crib, so, contrary to many books, she’s in with us.  She sleeps on my chest, which works for us all.  We put her in her cot for short periods to get her used to it, and at the moment she still hates it.  She’s getting used to her bouncer though, so that’s a start.

There are a few things she doesn’t like at the moment.  She doesn’t like it if she’s not being cuddled, and she HATES having her nappy changed – she screams the house down.  I’ve been assured by other mothers that this will pass.  I hope so!!  In fact, any kind of disturbance when she’s comfortable doesn’t go down well….
She’s also incredibly impatient.  Once she’s hungry, she expects to be fed at that very second – we’re gradually teaching her that she can wait a little bit!

Every day is a mini adventure, but that’s motherhood I guess.  She’s putting on weight (she’s now 5lb 7oz), but, as a preemie, it’s hard to know at what rate she should be developing.  I’m surprised at how little developmental guidance there is around for premature babies.  Once she’s past her due date, I can use her correctional age as a guide, but before that, what to do?  She 8 weeks old, but not actually due to be born for another 2 weeks, so what should she be doing?  I’m not one for getting hung up on things like this, but I sometimes feel that it would be nice to know.

We have our postnatal check today.  I’m sure it’ll be fine, but I’m really not used to all the visits involved when you have a child.  I’m lucky enough to never really need the doctor – I’ve been to my GP about 3 times in the last 10 years – so having to go to all these appointments is incredibly alien to me.

Anyway, this journal is basically a catch-up, and I’ll go back to trying to write more regularly again.  But basically, Gracie is home and doing well….

More than 3 weeks done in SCBU... Blog 8 4/11/09

So, this is Gracie’s 23rd day in SCBU, and she’s doing well.  She’s out of the incubator, and now in an incubated cot.  She’s drinking 28ml of my breastmilk every 2 hours, and breathing by herself.  I’m very proud of her.  The thing about having a baby in Special Care is the need to constantly manage expectations.  Just because your baby is doing well one day, doesn’t mean that there won’t be a setback the next day.  You have to be grateful for each little breakthrough, and celebrate that each day.  I must admit I’m always slightly nervous turning up each day – what if she’s back in the incubator?

Gracie now being in a cot is a little bit misleading.  It helps to normalise things, and she looks like a “regular” baby, just smaller.  But I then keep looking at her and wanting her home, but she’s not ready yet.  When I see her sleeping in her cot, I imagine her sleeping in a cot at home. When she was in an incubator, it was much easier to see and accept that she couldn’t come home. I can’t wait to be able to take her for walks or cuddle her in front of the telly!

I still don’t know how much longer she’ll be in for.  She’s at 33 weeks now, so I guess she’ll be in for a few more weeks yet, as she’s still being fed through a tube.  Breastfeeding will be the next step.  She’s gaining weight too, which is good.  She’s now 1.87kg (4lb 2oz), which is great.

I’m waiting for a delivery of some baby stuff today.  I’ve ordered a crib, a carrier/sling, and a buggy.  I’m not sure how I’ll feel about having all that in the flat, with no baby to put in them – hopefully it’ll help me to remember that she’ll be home soon.

People have been so kind throughout all of this.  It’s really nice to know that friends are so supportive.  Gracie already has lots of clothes bought for her, ready for when she’s a bit bigger, and so many people have offered help, it’s so nice.  It makes dealing with it all that little bit easier.  Mind you, this is our first child, so we don’t really know any different.  But everyone’s kindness, coupled with the fantastic nurses at the Unit, and it’s quite overwhelming sometimes.

I’m expressing 7 times a day for her – every 3 hours, but not in the middle of the night.  I will have to soon, but I’m waiting for as long as I can.  I am starting to struggle to produce the amount she needs, but I’ve got some milk frozen, so I’ve got a bit of time.

I’ve got a bit of a routine now at least.  I do things round the house in the morning, then go up to the hospital after lunch.  I usually stay until after my evening express, and it’s still really hard leaving her.  Still, every day that she’s in SCBU, she’s getting stronger and it’s another day closer to her coming home.

The waiting game: 2 weeks done Blog 7 27/10/09

Gracie has now been in SCBU for two weeks.  It feels like so much longer.  She’s being well looked after, but I still can’t believe she could be in for another 8 weeks.  She’s had visitors (including the grandmas), and everyone has commented on how gorgeous she is.

She had a bit of a setback on Friday – she was put on a ventilator, and she had a suspected infection in her tummy.  She had to be taken off my milk, but obviously, I have to keep expressing.  Our freezer is now absolutely filled with breast milk.  It’s only a small freezer, and we’ve had to eat all our frozen food to make more space (carrots with every meal anyone???).  I’ve also got some in the freezer at the hospital.  She’s back on tiny amounts, but she was being sick, so they may suspend it again.

Thankfully she’s now on the mend, and these little setbacks are common, but it’s still hard.  I’d really like her home, but I know she’s not ready.  And more to the point, neither are we!!  We’ve got so little ready for her arrival.  I’ve selected a Moses basket and a baby carrier though, so we’re getting there slowly.  We’ve received some clothes as presents, and we don’t want to go mad on those because we don’t know what size she’ll be by the time we get to dress her….

We can’t cuddle her at the moment because she’s still too poorly, but we can hold her hand – and change her nappy!!  Not that easy with all the wires and stuff – and she’s a wriggler, which doesn’t help.  Her dad has refused to change her nappy until there are fewer wires in the way!!!  It’s good to see her wriggling about though – on Friday she was sedated, and it was difficult to see.

Waiting is difficult, but I have to remember that I’m not the first person to go through this, not will I be the last.  2 weeks down, 8 to go – that’s 20% completed.  It’s a marathon, not a sprint, but we’ll get there.  Every day is one step closer.